


Why doesn't it hurt when I'm with you?

by chaos101



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, No Sex, Post-Canon Fix-It, Rape Recovery, all my works have the same tags, am i okay? no, the moral of the story is that they love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29666568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos101/pseuds/chaos101
Summary: “Eiji?” Ash asks, hesitant.Eiji hums in response.“... Why don’t you hurt me?”Ash asks some difficult questions, expecting difficult answers.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 36
Kudos: 227





	Why doesn't it hurt when I'm with you?

“Eiji?” Ash asks, hesitant.

Eiji hums in response.

“... Why don’t you hurt me?”

Eiji chokes, and starts coughing. “W-what?” he manages.

“I’m sorry!” Ash blurts. “I didn’t mean to—” he stops. To what? _Exist,_ his mind supplies.

“What are you even _asking,_ Ash?”

“I ... I mean ... I should be hurt, right? I hurt you, so it’s only fair, and—”

“You’ve never once hurt me, Ash.”

They’re in their bedroom, and on second thought, maybe a bedroom isn’t the best place for Ash to be having this conversation. Eiji’s at the desk, but Ash is on the bed. Of course he is. It’s not like he knows how to do anything else.

Almost subconsciously, he brings his legs closer together.

“I deserve to be hurt,” Ash mutters. Eiji has to know it’s true, right? So many other people saw that truth. “But nothing with you ever hurts.”

Eiji hesitates, closing his laptop. “I’m glad I don’t hurt you, Ash, but I’m very sorry that you think that I should.”

“Why doesn’t it hurt when I’m with you?”

Eiji pulls at the hem of his shirt. Great. Now Ash is making him uncomfortable.

“I feel like you’re asking two different questions,” Eiji says. “Are you wanting to know why I don’t choose to hurt you, or why being with me doesn’t hurt regardless of whether I intend to?”

“... Both,” Ash admits. “I think you should choose to hurt me. But ... but even if you don’t, shouldn’t it hurt anyway? Being this ... this way with someone?” Being this close with someone. Letting Eiji touch his shoulders, his face. Sleeping in the same bed.

Loving him.

Doesn’t love normally hurt?

“Which question do you want to start with?” Eiji asks. Because even with something like this, Eiji gives him a choice.

“Either,” Ash says, because he’s still a little confused on how to make his own choices with a lover. If that’s what Eiji is to him.

“Okay ... Well, let’s start with the easier one, then.” Eiji swivels back and forth in the desk chair. Is he nervous? “I choose not to hurt you because I don’t _want_ to hurt you, Ash.”

“Why not?” He deserves it. God, how he deserves it for everything he’s done. Especially to Eiji. And it’s not like he’s good for anything else, now that Eiji doesn’t need his protection anymore. He can’t do anything else for him. Why does Eiji keep him around, if he’s not going to hurt him?

“Because ... because I love you, Ash,” Eiji says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Ash flinches. Maybe Eiji does hurt him, after all, when he says things like that.

“I’m sorry,” Ash whispers.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry that you love me.”

Eiji looks hurt, too. Fuck, Ash is such a heartless asshole. Hurting Eiji, like always.

“Why would you apologize for something like that?” Eiji asks. His voice is soft, forgiving. Ash has no right to hear it. Not that tone of voice. Not toward him.

“Loving me is ... difficult, right? It’s not worth it.” Ash rubs at his eyes, realizing that they burn a little. “It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Loving someone as broken as me.”

“Ash, I am honored that you let me love you.”

Looking up, Ash makes eye contact with Eiji for a moment. He looks sincere, and Ash doesn’t think Eiji has ever lied to him. So he’s not lying now, right? But he has to be. There’s no way that can be true.

“And you’re not broken,” Eiji continues. “I’m sorry that you see yourself that way.”

“I wish you didn’t love me,” Ash confesses.

Eiji’s expression is ... heartbroken.

“I’m grateful that you do,” Ash clarifies. “But for your sake. I don’t think you should.”

“I have never regretted falling in love with you, Ash,” Eiji says, still in that soft fucking voice that Ash doesn’t deserve. “In fact, I’m so glad I did.”

Ash just shakes his head. There’s no way that’s true. Ash thought he was good at lying, but how does Eiji say shit like that with a straight face?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. He doesn’t want to be doubting Eiji.

“Loving you isn’t difficult. In fact, it’s one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. It comes naturally to me, you know that? I don’t think there’s anything I could have done to avoid it.”

“But doesn’t it hurt to love me? And shouldn’t you hurt me back?”

Eiji looks down, running a hand through his hair. “It doesn’t hurt. I promise you. And I would never want to hurt you. You have to know that, right, Ash?” Eiji hesitates. “If I’ve ever hurt you, I’m so sorry. I never meant to.”

“You haven’t!” Ash says quickly. He rolls onto his side on the bed, bringing his legs up toward his chest and throwing an arm over his face. “You’ve never, ever hurt me, and that’s what makes this so confusing.”

“I’m so glad,” Eijij breathes, sounding relieved. “I would rather you be confused than hurt.” He laughs a little, light and airy.

Ash curls up tighter. He’d rather be hurt. That’s easier. He’s used to that. This, though? Love that doesn’t hurt? He has no idea what to do with it. How does he respond? What does he do with a love that doesn’t involve pain?

“You never deserved to be hurt, Ash. Especially not in the ways that you have been.”

But if that’s true, why did so many people agree that he did deserve it? Why didn’t anyone do anything to stop it? Everyone either hurt him more, or just let it happen. Even Blanca, who protected him from Marvin, never lifted a finger to stop Dino. Ash wants to believe Eiji, he really does, but ...

Dino’s words echo in Ash’s head.

_You know I love you, sweetheart._

Ash knew it was never true, probably. But that kind of love—even if it’s so utterly false—was still easier than this. Laying there and taking it, or even pretending, is so much easier than real love.

“Eiji,” Ash whines.

“What do you need, love?” Eiji asks. Ash is still getting used to Eiji’s pet names. He doesn’t use them too often, yet, but Ash finds himself almost hoping that he will more. He’s never wanted something like that before. It scares him, a little.

“Eiji,” Ash says again. His stomach twists, and he squeezes his eyes shut. “Please hurt me.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath from the direction of the desk. Ash flinches at the sound. He didn’t mean to hurt Eiji.

He also doesn’t know what to expect. Will Eiji choose to hurt him after all? And how? He’s used to so many different types of pain, but somehow he can’t imagine Eiji on the other side of any of them. He can’t imagine Eiji hurting him at all.

And sure enough, Eiji just whispers, “That’s one thing I cannot do for you.”

A noise escapes from Ash’s lips, something of a whimper from high in his throat. The next thing he knows, he’s sobbing.

“Why?” he asks. “Why doesn’t it hurt when I’m with you?”

“I ... That is hard to answer, Ash,” Eiji says. Ash hears him get up. Instead of flinching again, Ash finds himself uncurling a little and looking up at Eiji. “May I touch your hair? I want to comb my fingers through it, if that’s okay.”

Ash nods, helplessly trying to calm his crying. He appreciates that Eiji told him exactly how he planned to touch him. Somehow, that makes it a little easier.

Eiji reaches out, first taking a bit of Ash’s hair out from behind his ear, and then running his fingers through it. Ash’s hair is fine and gets tangled easily, but somehow Eiji’s touch doesn’t hurt or pull as he carefully detangles the strands. Ash knows that his hair is gross—he hasn’t showered yet today, and some of his hair sticks to his forehead with sweat. But Eiji doesn’t seem to mind.

“Thank you,” Eiji whispers.

“For what?” Ash asks.

“For letting me take care of you. Even just like this. I appreciate it.”

Ash scoffs, a gross, wet sound through his tears. “You shouldn’t thank me for making you take care of you.”

“But you’re not making me, Ash. And I don’t think you would let just anyone touch you this way.”

Ash almost protests that. Almost says that he’s already let everyone touch him however they want. Almost talks about what a slut he is, about how he doesn’t have the right to say no to anyone after what he’s done.

But instead, he thinks about the question Eiji asked— _May I touch your hair?_ —and realizes that he _would_ have said no to anyone else.

“I think,” Eiji starts slowly, “that being with me does not hurt because you _want_ to be with me. At least, I hope you do.”

“I do,” Ash croaks. “I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t, but I do.”

“Thank you,” Eiji whispers, still combing his fingers through Ash’s hair. “And I think—again, I hope—that you do want me to love you, on some level, even if you might also wish that I didn’t.”

“How do you love me?” Ash whispers.

Eiji blinks. “You mean why?”

Ash shakes his head, moving his hair through Eiji’s fingers. “Not why. How? In what ways? I’ve never ... I’ve never known a love like this. Nothing soft, like this.”

Smiling, Eiji gently scratches his nails against Ash’s scalp. It feels good, and Ash leans into the touch. “I do love you softly,” Eiji says, “but also deeply. I love you carefully, but also brilliantly. I love you like this,” he says, running his fingers through Ash’s hair again, “but also like this.” He uses his other hand to gently poke at Ash’s side, in a spot he knows is particularly ticklish.

Ash doesn’t quite laugh, but he can’t keep himself from smiling.

“I love you in the big ways, like saving each other’s lives,” Eiji continues, “and in the small ways, like cooking each other breakfast.” He grins.

“Never gonna let me live that down, huh?” Ash mutters, smiling still. He burns fried eggs _one time,_ and this is what he gets?

Ash realizes he’s not crying anymore.

“In fact, I love you in every way I can think to love you, and probably some I haven’t even realized yet.” He softly brushes his hand against Ash’s cheek on the next comb through of his hair. “But I will _never,_ Ash, never love you in a way that I think would hurt you. And if I do, I would want you to tell me. Just as I would tell you. Communication is important, right? No lying to each other. And no pretending.”

Ash looks away. Eiji’s never lied to him; only the other way around.

Loving Ash in a way that hurts him? Maybe that’s what Dino and all the others did, when they said they loved him. But Eiji ... Eiji wouldn’t.

Maybe that’s why Ash asked him to. Because he knew he wouldn’t.

“I love you too,” Ash says, and his tears are entirely dried now. “So much,” he adds in a whisper.

“I’m so grateful for that, Ash.”

Even quieter, Ash continues, “And it doesn’t hurt.”

Eiji doesn’t reply to that. Just smiles. Soft, true, and full of more emotions than Ash could ever hope to name.

“It doesn’t hurt when I’m with you,” Ash repeats. “And I’m starting to think maybe that’s okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry not a lot happened in this one; hope you enjoyed it anyway though! I'd love it if you could leave a comment and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> [Tumblr.](https://chaos101lynx.tumblr.com/)


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